The Fault In Our Stars Entry 1

I started reading "The Fault In Our Stars" by John Green. My friends had read it before and I knew it was a sad book, but I didn't know what it was about. When I first started reading it and found out that it was about a girl with cancer a big alarm went off in my head. Oh no! Here we go again. This is going to be a girl who you grow to love while reading the book and then she dies. I was hoping that my prediction was wrong, but then the girl named Hazel Grace met a boy named Augustus Waters. Again I thought Oh no! The author is going to make them fall in love just to kill one of them off in the end. I'm in the very beginning of the book and even though I'm dreading the ending, it's very interesting. In the book Hazel's favorite book is "An Imperial Affliction" by Peter Van Houten. It's also a cancer book about a girl, who instead of doing the cliche thing, of making a cancer organization, makes a kids with cancer who want to cure cholera organization. In the end the girl dies and the book ends in mid-sentence. My first thought was this is how the book's going to end. My second thought was if that book is real or fictional because I want to read it.

There was something that struck me the other day while reading the book. Hazel went to a support group for teens with cancer and that's where she met Augustus. Augustus said that he feared oblivion and  being forgotten. I had not realized until that moment that I too feared oblivion. I think most people do. I think people don't fear death, they fear all the things they will miss after they're gone. They fear not being remembered. In response to Augustus, Hazel  said, " There was time before organisms experienced consciousness, and there will be a time after. And if the inevitability of human oblivion worried you, I encourage you to ignore it." Hazel has a point it seems silly to worry about the inevitable, but yet people still do everyday. 

The concept of dying is a big one. One that I think everyone has thought about. I know I have. It seems scary. But when I read that quote I thought, Why am I afraid of death? What makes it so scary? I know that these are big questions that I don't need to have the answers to just yet, being 16 and all, but I'm still curious. So I started thinking about it. I made a list of reasons why I fear death. 

1. It's unpredictable I could die at any moment
• fear of the unknown
2. What will happen when I'm gone? What new inventions? What historic events? I'll miss all of it.
3. Will anyone remember me?
4. When I die what happens? Do I just fade away into darkness? Is their heaven or hell? Is there reincarnation? 
• again fear of the unknown

Some of those reasons have to do with oblivion. Even though it's better said then done, I don't want to think about it or care, but like Augustus I fear the unknown and oblivion. I think that in some way Hazel has come to terms with dying. It's weird that way, how people who know their dying quickly sometimes come to terms with it, while the rest of us wonder in fear. I know that I just tackled some big questions and that I haven't even begun to scratch the surface, but maybe the rest of the book will give me some answers.

The Fault In Our Stars Entry 2

So I finished the book and like I had predicted they fell in love and one of the characters died at the end. I'll admit I was thinking that Hazel was going to die instead of Augustus. What I got from it was not to be afraid of death or oblivion, which are both inevitable. There's a line in the book when Augustus is complaining about all the things he'll never get to do or never get to be and Hazel says, " This can never be enough for you. But this is all you get. You get me, and your family, and this world. This is your life. I'm sorry if it sucks." At first I thought it was a little tough on Augustus, especially when he had been so sick, but it was true. Augustus was clinging onto false hopes and he wasn't going to be able to do all of the memorable things he wanted to do, but he had people who cared and loved him. He couldn't see that because he was so bitter about dying. In some ways that translates to a lot of peoples lives. You think that you need to leave your mark, do something amazing, and many spend their whole life trying to obtain that. In reality time would be best spent doing what you love with people you love.

Going after your dreams is great. But there is a line that can be crossed. There comes a  time when you have to realize that you don't owe the world anything and that chasing after impossible dreams are only going to bring you sadness. This part reminds me of  "The Great Gatsby". How Gatsby was so stuck on obtaining the American Dream he never got to enjoy his life. That's an epidemic in America, getting so caught up in success, money, and power that you forget about the things that really matter, like spending time with your family and friends doing simple things you love. A lot of people think that these things will make them happy. I defiantly feel it, the need to succeed. Trying to get the perfect grades, so I can get into the perfect college, that will get me a perfect job, and then after all that I'll be happy. People are constantly waiting for the next bench mark in their life to be happy. The idea of sacrificing your happiness now so that later all your hard work will pay off. Augustus had a lot going for him, he had a family and girlfriend who loved him, but yet he still felt the need for more, that same feeling that many people feel. Hazel is an example of someone who knows what they have and is happy with it. She knew that she would live the rest of her life with cancer and even though that was difficult she didn't let that stop her from enjoying the things she did have.

I hope that I can learn to appreciate what I have and live in the moment. I defiantly get caught up in the future planning of how my life will be. It's like the book says, " Life's not a wish granting factory."  You can't get everything you want and I have to keep reminding myself of that, that it's not going to be perfect, and that I'm going to have to adapt.

This underlying question kept popping into my mind while reading the book. How do they do it?They  have cancer and still find happiness. Everyday wasn't the best, but they still had some great days. People always tell you seize the day, but how? Where do you start!? If it was that easy then everybody would be doing it. I'm not sure how, but Hazel and Augustus seized the day and took advantage of the time they had together.

The Picture of Dorian Gray Entry 1

I started reading "The Picture of Dorian Gray" by Oscar Wilde today. What drew me to this book was the supernatural aspect of it. The idea that a portrait could get older, but not the person sounded interesting to me. I was a little surprised at how philosophical it was. I felt like I was taking a class on the meaning of life. It was only the third page of the book when the character Basil said, " There is a fatality about all physical and intellectual distinction, the sort of fatality that seems to dog through history the faltering steps of Kings." I didn't understand what he meant by that. How could having beauty and intelligence be a bad thing? But as I kept reading he went on to explain how not knowing much spared you from knowing about the ugly things in life. He also goes onto say that himself, Lord Henry, and Dorian will all suffer for their gifts. I guess on some level I understand what he's saying, something along the lines of you can't miss what you don't have. But at the same time those people will never know the joy of those gifts either.

Later, Lord Henry goes on to make comment about genius. How we over educate ourselves in the hope that what we know will somehow endure time. He put it , " we fill our minds with rubbish and facts in the silly hope of keeping our place." I agree and education has always been a necessity. But why? I never thought about why, only that it was something that I had to do. And the truth is that we educate ourselves so that we are not left behind. Education is something that is world wide and in order to not fall behind the rest of the world we educate ourselves. So that we can compete on a mental level. I always wondered about the lives of people who didn't go to school. Maybe they're family lives in a rural place where education isn't important. Are they happier or do they feel left behind? It also brings up the question in my mind: should we only know what we need to know or does knowing more things help us better understand the world or do the things that are excess knowledge just sit in our brains and collect dust? Lord Henry seems to think that the amount of time put into education is unnecessary.

Later in the second chapter Lord Henry meets Dorian Gray and gets on the subject of youth, which I suspect will be a theme in the book. He starts talking about youth and how it's the only time you can, " live really, perfectly, and fully." He goes on a whole rampage of seizing the day and how once your older they're will be no more triumphs for you. The way he talks about getting older is very frightening. He says, "The pulse of joy that beats in us at twenty, becomes sluggish. Our limbs fail, our senses rot. We degenerate into hideous puppets, haunted by the memory of passions of which we were too much afraid and exquisite temptations that we had not the courage to yield to." Myself having a bit of Peter Pan syndrome, thought that this was horrible. It this really what I have to look forward to? I had thought that my silly fear of growing up was childish and was all in my head, but Lord Henry just confirmed my fears. I tried to snap out of it and tell myself that it was just a book, that it doesn't mean anything, but much of the same way Dorian was fascinated by Lord Henry so was I. Then I started to think that I really hope that he isn't right because being young doesn't seem to be as glamorous as he depicts it to be.I haven't met one teenager who says, " These are the best days of my life." It's actually quite the opposite. Maybe when I turn 20 magically my life will be glamorous as Lord Henry describes.

When Dorian saw his portrait and got upset, which surprised me. I myself don't like the idea of growing old, but Dorian took his fear to an extreme level. He even threatened to kill himself when he starts to grow old. The first thing I thought was he's over reacting, and that Henry had changed him in only a few hours. Dorian exclaimed, " If it were I who was to be always young and the picture that was to grow old! For that-for that- I would give everything!" This is 100% foreshadowing what's going to happen in the rest of the book. I don't know how, but Dorian most likely will sell his soul to be forever young. Even though it seems like a good idea to be young forever. I don't think I would choose it, if I could. After a while it would be sad to see your friends and family die of old age and you would be the only one left. Realistically it would be a lot of work and eventually you'd get tired of it.

The Picture of Dorian Gray Entry 2

I'm 2/3 of the way finished with the book. Now it seems that Dorian Gray has completely morphed into a different person. He madly falls in love with an actress he barley knows, named Sibyl Vane. Even though Lord Henry has a negative idea about love, Dorian still loves Sibyl Vane very much and praises her. I saw this as a sign that Sibyl Vane could take Dorian out from under Lord Henry's wing and that he would start thinking for himself, but that didn't happen, to my surprise. I believe it is one of the biggest turning points in the book when Dorian quickly retracts his love for Sibyl Vane for a bad performance in a play. I was shocked in this moment. Dorian seemed so superficial, shallow, and cruel to dump a girl who was madly in love with him. He even scorned her for her bad performance. Before Dorian was sweet boy who wanted to stay young forever now he has shifted into a heartless person.

The sad part is that he only felt sorry for what he did when he saw how it effected his portrait, how it made him look cruel, that's all he cared about. He didn't want to say sorry to Sibyl Vane out of the goodness of his heart and concern for her, but merely to clean his own conscience. This is shown in the book: " Why should he be troubled about Sibyl Vane? She was nothing to him now. But the picture." The love that he had for Sibyl Vane was based of off shallow things like looks, and her talent. He didn't know her, she didn't even know his name. The real plot twist of it all was when Sibyl Vane killed herself the same night Dorian Gray broke up with her.

When Dorian found out he was shocked and couldn't believe it. But yet he still doesn't cry about it, to him it's all some dramatic play. He says, " If I had read all this in a book Harry, I think I would have wept over it. Somehow, now that it has happened actually and to me, it seems to wonderful for tears." "Wonderful." What is wrong with him? Dorian Gray is becoming more and more like Lord Henry. He ends up going on to say that Sibyl  was selfish to kill herself. Ha! Isn't that ironic coming from Mr. Selfish himself. All he thinks about is himself. Not even once did he consider Sibyl's feelings, until it was too late. Dorian's obsession with how he looks and Lord Henry's influence is making Dorian egotistical. He thinks because he's young he has all of the world at his finger tips, that it doesn't matter if he does unmoral or unjust things.

I know that I've used the "I'm young" card one to many times when it comes to making mistakes, but there's no excuse. You have to be responsible for your actions and how they affect others. A lesson that Dorian would benefit from learning. Making mistakes is OK, because everyone makes them, but you have to learn from them. Dorian Gray seems to not even acknowledge his mistakes. The next day after hearing about the death he acts as if it never happened.

There's also the situation with the portrait. At first it scared him, but now he's excited about it. He feels untouchable. The fact that he never will age is all he cares about. It reads, " What did it matter what happened to the colored image on the canvas? He would be safe. That was everything." I predicted that this would backfire and turn out poorly for Dorian. He has become obsessed with material things searching all over the world for the most luxurious items. He's travelling more and people are starting to take notice of his weird behavior. The portrait is starting to haunt him. He doesn't want anyone to see it but I have a feeling someone will.

The Picture of Dorian Gray Entry 3

This is a painting that Ivan Albright did of Dorian Gray.

I am totally surprised by the turn of events. Dorian Gray has turned into a mad man. At first he was just cruel, but now he has no moral standards at all. People start to talk about him behind his back, saying that he's brawling with foreign sailors, that no chaste women should sit in the same room with him, and that he's lurking in the night. Dorian Gray has fallen into a life of crime and he doesn't care who gets hurt in the process. My prediction was right, someone did find out about the portrait, but I never thought it would be Basil and I didn't think he would kill him! This is the lowest that Dorian has stooped. The idea of staying young forever went to his head and then he decided that he could do whatever he wanted. Basil was completely right when he said Dorian lost, " all sense of honor, of goodness, of purity."

Eternal youth corrupted him. The protection of the portrait gave him the licence to do all the bad things he wanted to. He was happy to show Basil the picture, so that he could release the load of the secret, but the horrible things Dorian had done made Basil sick. And again he felt no remorse for being responsible for a death. He was only worried about getting rid of the evidence. He even  blackmailed Alan Campell into getting rid of the body.

Reminders of his corruptness kept popping up. Basil reminded him of all the horrible things he did, so he killed him. James Vane reminded him of how he was responsible for Sibyl Vanes death, but he ended up dying too. Dorian managed to get away with all of the things he did, murder, opium addiction, adultery, and cruelty. I was waiting for him to get busted, but every time he merely avoided it. Dorian has managed to live this double life of class and luxury during the day and cloak and dagger at night.

His youth masks him from being a suspect. There is irony in the fact that the young handsome Dorian Gray turns out to be a cold blooded killer. No one saw that coming, I didn't. Dorian was obsessed with being young and beautiful, but in his pursuit to keep that he becomes hideous at heart. I also observed looking back at the rest of the book Dorian's shift from Basil to Lord Henry. Basil was a good man and a good influence, but Dorian choose Lord Henry. Almost like he had an angle and devil on his shoulders telling him what to do. In the end he chose to listen to the devil. Lord Henry's influence had been the root of his demise from the moment he said, " Youth! Youth! There is nothing in the world but youth!" Lord Henry's words became Dorian's words and thoughts, but yet still Dorian blames  Basil for his misfortune, the only good influence in his life.

Towards the end of the book Dorian makes the decision to be good. He thinks that he can wash clean what he's done and start over. Instead of confessing to his crimes he tries to destroy the portrait. His last reminder of his horrible deeds. He in the end killed himself in the hope of remaining care free and young. Dorian Gray chose looks and money over morals. A pretty face doesn't make a pretty heart. It's better to be ugly and a good person than to be beautiful and a bad person.

Oscar Wilde used a lot of Greek mythology references and culture references in the book to appeal to the audience of the time. All of the details and specifics placed this story in the backyard of wealthy English people in the late 1800's. This theme of beauty vs. the soul was most likely a very relevant topic. He was able to tell the story of Dorian starting out as a normal rich boy of the time and morphing him into a murderous man without losing the touch of reality. At the time Realism was a popular style of writing and the supernatural aspect of his story shows a statement, not only about the way people live their lives, but also about the lack of imagination in literature at the time.

Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking Entry 1

I was drawn to this book because introvert and quiet are two words that I use to describe myself. I wanted to know what kind of Power I had. So I was curious. Did this book really understand what was going on in my head?

It opened with talking about Rosa Parks and how she was an introvert. It defined Introverts and common characteristics of introverts like, they feel "just right" with less stimulation, such as reading a book. "Introverts often work more slowly and deliberately. They like to focus on one task at a time and are good at concentrating. Listening more than they talk, think before they speak, tend to express themselves better in writing than in conversation, horror of small talk, dislike conflict, and enjoy deep discussions." I felt like someone had just walked into my brain and found the lost manual. It described me "to a T".

They also pointed out that being introverted doesn't mean your shy. It was like a light bulb went off in my head. Everyone always thinks I'm shy, that I'm afraid to speak, but I just don't feel the need to speak as much as everyone else. After years of being called shy, I realized that I had started to become shy. I'm just a thinker not a talker. But at the same time I was always nervous when in the public eye, but I never really known why, was it because I was afraid of disapproval? I had never thought about my personality in this way. Then I went on to read this, " Many introverts are also highly sensitive. You may be quicker than others to feel sickened by violence or ugliness, and you likely have a strong conscience. When you were a child you were probably called shy and to this day feel nervous when you're being evaluated." That's the line that sums up a huge chunk of my life. Nervous when being evaluated. I wasn't afraid, I just didn't like being evaluated and felt it a little more than most. That explains why I don't like presentations, speeches, and playing popcorn in class it's because I don't like being evaluated.

The book went on to talk about the Extrovert Ideal and how America had gone from a Culture of Character to the Culture of Personality. It talked about how early America in the 1800's was mainly rural and how people valued seriousness, discipline, and honor.  It said " The word personality didn't exist in English until the eighteenth century, and the idea of 'having a good personality' was not wide spread until the 20th." The idea of rages to riches became the American Dream and with it the American Ideal. The age of the salesman, lawyer, and statesman. All those jobs called for people who could speak well and was a people pleaser. The industrial revolution changed America from a rural country, to a city powerhouse. Jobs were scarce and in order to get a good job you had to learn how to sell yourself. It created this idea that outgoing and charming was the personality that the most successful people had, so everyone should strive to have it.

It's true likable, sociable, and more charismatic did seem like the personality people liked the most. All these things are great to have, but are they really necessary for success? This idea of being an outspoken, strong leader who speaks their mind, and is ready to take on the world, is how I've always thought of leaders. Is that the only type of leader there is?

It went on to talk about the idea of New Groupthink. The idea is that working in groups creates better ideas then working alone. But people like Charles Darwin, Marie Curie, Patrick White and Andrew Boyd all worked alone and were very successful. So it is possible be a quiet leader. It seems to me that teachers think that all students want they're time in the spot light, but some are too afraid to take it. Like Susan Cain says, " Not everyone aspires to be a leader in the conventional sense of the word, that some people wish to fit harmoniously into the group, and others to be independent of it."

Susan Cain went to talk to a Harvard student Don. One of the only introverts in Harvard. The way he was described was very relatable to me. " He has trouble elbowing his way into class discussions, in some classes he barely speaks at all. He prefers to contribute only when he believes he has something insightful to add, or honest-to-God disagrees with someone. This seems reasonable, but most teachers prefer that you say something even if it has little insight or substance to the subject." I wish that teachers would take into account the quality not the quantity when it comes to class participation. In class discussions I'm more interested in listening and gathering information than asserting my opinion. I need time to think out what I want to say before I say it. Most of the time I like to listen to others opinions, way the pros and cons, and then come to my own conclusion. I seldom ever have an opinion about something without thinking it through first. I do my best work alone, where I can think things through.

Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking Entry 2

This is Susan Cain the author of this book.

Toward the middle of the book it talks about how it's proven that not only is peer pressure unpleasant, it can also change your view of a problem. Sometimes people go along with the group because they genuinely think they arrived at the same conclusion as everyone else, but alone would have come up with a different answer. This is scary, to think that my mind could be changing without me knowing it. It also stated how people perform worse under critical eyes. I've had personal experience in that area. This section of the book is praising individual work. But then it goes on to say a healthy mix of group and individual work is best. Flexibility is the key. Allowing people at work or school to pick what environment that is most comfortable for them and what kind of work lets they're potential best shine through.

I've always wondered is being an introverts something that you learn as you grow up  or is it something that is determined from birth? Well, babies who are more reactive to new sounds, sights, and smells tend to be more introverted,  compared to babies who are less reactive. But it's not that simple, they way someone acts still is greatly influenced by they're childhood. This didn't help me come to a conclusion about myself. Was I born this way or did I grow into this? Supposedly, "it's the intricate interaction between the two that make us who we are."

So what does this all mean for me? I know for sure that I'm introverted, but does that mean that I'm destined to a life of quiet nights curled up with a book while my friends go out or can I change my fate and be a bubbly ball of charisma. Evidently, " We can stretch our personalities, but only to a point. Our inborn temperaments influence us, regardless of the life we lead." So I can go out with my friends, but I'll probably get tired after a few hours and go home to my book.

This has to do with something called optimal stimulation. Some people need more face to face interaction than others. What's important is finding balance. Being over stimulated can cause health issues and make you all together unhappy. This is why many introverts have trouble winging a speech. Over stimulation interferes with attention and short term memory. I also credit this for all the times teachers randomly call on kids and they're mind goes blank unable to answer the question. Most of the time it's not that they weren't paying attention, it's because the shock of being called on suddenly causes they're brain to go into a state of over stimulation where they can't think strait. I also thinks this is why some people freeze in fear, they're brain is so surprised and afraid they can't think to move.

Late in the chapter they started talking about sensitive people and said something that caught my attention: "Sensitive types think in an unusually complicated fashion. It may also help explain why they're so bored by small talk." I had never really knew why, but I've always been horrible at small talk. How was your day? What did you do this summer? Did you have a nice vacation? What's up? All these questions I would try to answer in as few words as possible. I remember my freshman year a senior girl on the bus asked me what's up? My mind was racing. What was up? What did she mean by that? Did she want to know what I did that day? Did she want to know how I felt at this very instant? I couldn't figure it out so I just responded , "nothing", and pretended to get something out of my back pack. That girl probably thought I didn't want to talk to her, but I genuinely didn't know how to respond. What's up just seemed like such a vague question to me. I guess that my introverted self peeking through.

Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking Entry 3

I found a quote that relates back to what I was saying at the end of the last entry: " Sensitive people they enjoy small talk only after they've gone deep. When sensitive people are in environment that nurture their authenticity, they laugh and chitchat just as much as anyone else." So true. Once I feel comfortable and have something to say it's easy for me to talk and add to the conversation. Later in the book it brought up persistence and how it's a trait of most introverts. Even though being persistent is a good thing I never thought of it as a trait that is key to success. Then I saw a quote by Einstein saying, " It's not that I'm so smart, it's that I stay with problems longer." I started thinking that persistence is the difference between successful and unsuccessful people. That I don't need to be extroverted, but persistent.

I have always felt that people don't understand my quietness. I would always wonder is something wrong with me? Am I just weird? This college student, named Mike, was interviewed in the book and had many of the same feelings as me. After going to a dinner party with some of his other class mates and his professor he was teased about not saying much. He ended up feeling bad about himself he saying, " People who don't talk are seen as weak or lacking." Like many moments while reading this book,  a light bulb went off in my head. I had been thinking this way for a while. All the class discussions and class participation had always made me feel weak or lacking because talking was rewarded and I had never been much of a talker. For years it had seemed like being a quiet thinker was a bad thing. All in all, it's about compromise. I now know that someday's I'm going to have to do things that are a little out of my comfort zone, but also have to remember to stay true to myself. And that being introverted and quiet does not mean I'm weak, but that I'm a thinker.